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archives of our humor from 1997
Please also see our 1998 Archives
Our Main Managed Care Joke Page
At a scientific research
convention one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that
in our lab we have switched from lab rats to managed care
reviewers for our experiments?"
The other asked, "Why the switch?"
"Three reasons," he replied,
"First we found that these reviewers have become far more
plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to
them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do.
However, sometimes it's hard to extrapolate our test results to
A man walking into a hospital
notices a prominent surgeon and his surgical resident down on
their hands and knees digging in one of the flower beds. He goes
over to them and asks, "Can I help? Did you lose something?"
"No," says one of the surgeons, "We're about to do a heart
transplant on a managed care executive and we're looking for a
An HMO Executive, a teacher and a
banker were in a sailboat. Suddenly the boat hit a large rock
which tore a hole in the bottom of the boat. To their horror
they discovered that the life raft only had room for two
passengers. A beautiful tropical island was visible on the
horizon, but the water was infested with bloodthirsty sharks.
While the teacher and banker were wondering what to do, the HMO
executive dove into the water and began to swim toward the
island. The others got into the raft and paddled off.
When they finally arrived on the
shore of the island, they found the HMO executive sitting under
a palm tree, sipping coconut milk. They were flabbergasted. "How
did you survive in there with all of those bloodthirsty sharks?"
"Easy," he replied as he took
another sip, "Professional courtesy."
Joke from AMSO Web Page:
An ophthalmologist, a priest and
an HMO CEO were waiting to tee off at their local country club.
Two guys in front of them were stumbling around, hitting balls
in all directions, swinging and missing and in general holding
up the whole show.
The club pro happened to walk by
and the three called him over to complain about the two in front
The pro said, "Oh, lighten up a
little. Those are two firemen that lost their sight while
fighting the fire we had in the clubhouse last winter. We let
them play whenever they want for free."
The priest contritely said, "I
feel so bad for thinking ill of those two. I'm going to offer
special prayers for them."
The eye doctor said, "I feel the
same way, I'm going to get with some of my colleagues and see if
there isn't something we can do for those guys."
The HMO CEO replied, "I just
wonder why these guys can't play at night?"
Q: What's a JCAHO auditor?
A: Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the
Q: How many nurses does it take to
change a light bulb in an HMO?
A: Only one, but it needs a pre-auth before it can be done.
Q:What's a shy and retiring
A: An executive who's a million dollars shy and that's why he is
A wealthy man lay critically ill.
"There's only one thing that will save you," his doctor said. "A
brain transplant. It's experimental and very expensive."
"Money is no object," the man said. "Can you get a brain?"
"There are three available. The first was from a college
professor, but it'll cost you $10,000."
"Don't worry, I can pay. What about the second?"
"It was from a rocket scientist. It'll cost you $100,000."
"I have the money. And I'd be a lot smarter too. But what about
"The third was from a managed care reviewer. It will set you
back half a million dollars."
"Why so much for the managed care reviewer's brain?" the patient
His doctor replied, "Never been used."
New Trends in Cost Containment.
Q: Have you seen the new home
surgery kit available via mail order?
A. It's called Suture Self.
News Flash: "Doctors at a large
managed care network gone on strike. .MCO Officials say they
will find out what the Doctors' demands are as soon as they can
get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs."
Managed Care Finds Cure for
Endocrinologists Take the Plunge
Declaring diabetes mellitus
non-existent, managed care companies nation-wide have managed to
wipe out diabetes throughout the United States, it was announced
today. It was explained that any patient insisting that they
have diabetes will be re-diagnosed as having paranoia, and hence
will be ineligible for medical care, as mental health benefits
are essentially nonexistent in most managed care plans. The
insurance industry also announced that their pre-existing policy
of refusing to reimburse for syringes or blood glucose test
strips, and discouraging patients' Primary Care Physicians from
referring to endocrinologists, has been "totally vindicated."
An estimated three hundred
endocrinologists were seen lining up to jump off the Golden Gate
Bridge in San Francisco; there were unheard-of upsurges in
bookings for flights to San Francisco noted by airlines
nationally. The San Francisco Tourism Agency announced that it
encourages all endocrinologists to spend their final vacation in
their city, before taking the plunge.
According to an anonymous
spokesman for a major managed care company, it is expected that
curing diabetes, and terminating contracts with deceased
endocrinologists, will allow approximately 57 more insurance
company executives to claim 6-figure bonuses at the end of the
current Fiscal Year, while only resulting in an additional 15
minutes loss of sleep per night for the average Primary Care
Physician, and only an estimated 2,000,000 covered lives to
become uncovered deaths.
You may feel free to forward or
reproduce this satire, provided you include the following
Copyright © 1997 by the Midwest Diabetes Care Center, Inc.
Insurance Companies who refuse to
reimburse for Glucose Monitoring Strips Take Note!
An unnamed manufacturer of blood glucose meters is about to
announce the development of a major breakthrough in medical
care: a new meter that can measure blood caffeine levels.
This innovative device is due for
release on April 1st.
The "CoffeeMeter" will utilize
existing blood glucose reagent strips (from most current
manufacturers). Through a new method of optical processing, it
will be able to measure caffeine consumption, which will be
displayed on the meter in "CCE" (Coffee Cup Equivalent) units.
The "CoffeeMeter" has been tested
in several clinical settings, including diabetes clinics,
inpatient alcohol treatment units, and wellness programs. It has
had great success (P The "CoffeeMeter" can also accurately
discriminate whether the user had consumed caffeinated or
More details on this very
important new product should be forthcoming in the near future.
You may feel free to forward or
reproduce this satire, provided you include the following
Copyright © 1997 by the Midwest Diabetes Care Center, Inc.
A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:
"Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this
An elderly patient needed a heart
transplant and discussed his options with his doctor.
The doctor said, "We have three
possible donors; tell me which one you want to use. One is a
young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The
second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked
and who died in his private plane. The third is a managed care
executive who just died after working for 30 years."
"I'll take the MCO executive's
heart," said the patient.
After a successful transplant, the
doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did.
"It was easy," the patient
replied. "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."
Official Definition of a Fall,
from a major Baltimore Hospital
A Sudden, often unexplained change
in position in which an adult patient comes to rest
unintentionally on the floor.
ways to get rid of drug reps
Carol Watkins, MD
- Develop a chemical sensitivity to doughnuts and pizza.
- Insist that they build an accurate 3-dimensional model
of a benzodiazepine receptor out of pick-up-sticks and
playdough (most child psychiatrists will have these
materials on hand)
- Establish a strict office dress code. Tell your office
manager not to admit anyone wearing tailored skirt suits or
highly polished shoes.
- Tell them that you mostly treat children and ask them
how many of their products have been specifically
recommended for children. (except for Solvay…see next item)
- Tell the Solvay rep not to come back until he can bring
you a detailed report of the hourly wages and working
conditions of the workers who manufactured the 1996 AACAP
- Be sure to return all of your phone calls while the rep
is waiting to see you.
- Hire a pharmacology graduate student to help out in your
front office. The drug rep may not see you until the student
has finished quizzing him on the chemical properties of all
of his products.
- Schedule four of them at the same time and only see the
one who emerges from your waiting room alive.
- Ask them whether their company has underwritten
psychologists' efforts to get prescribing privileges.
- Take the drug rep back to your office and confidentially
tell him that you have had a bit of a problem with your DEA
license. Could he provide you with lots of free samples?
- Get your information about psychopharmacology from
talking to colleagues, attending seminars, and reading
Please do not reproduce without permission
Copyright 1998 Carol Watkins, MD
The receptionist in a hospital's executive offices answered
the phone the morning after the hospital's vice-president passed
away unexpectedly. "Is Dr. Smith available?" asked the patient
on the phone.
"I'm very sorry, but Dr. Smith passed away last night," the
receptionist answered. "Can anyone else help you?"
The man paused for a moment, then quietly said 'no' and hung up.
Ten minutes later, he called again and asked for Dr. Smith, the
administrator who had refused to allow his personal physician to
extend his hospital stay..
The receptionist said, "You just called a few minutes ago,
didn't you? Dr. Smith has died. I'm not making this up." The man
again hung up.
Fifteen minutes later, he called a third time and asked for Dr.
Smith. The receptionist was more than her usual annoyed by this
time. "I've told you twice already, Dr. Smith is dead. He is not
here! Why do you keep asking for him when I say he's dead? Don't
you understand what I'm saying?"
The man replied, "I understand you perfectly. I just like
hearing you say it over and over."
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest hospital
administrator and an drunk were walking down a street together
when, all at the same time, they spy a hundred dollar bill. Who
gets it? Obviously the drunk, because the other three are
The CEO of a large managed care corporation was sitting in
his office late one night, gloating over his latest
acquisitions. Suddenly, with a puff of smoke and the smell of
brimstone, Satan appeared before him.
Satan smiled at the CEO and said, "I have a proposition for
you. You can win every every health care contract you bid on,
for the rest of your life. Your colleagues will stand in awe of
you, physicians will fear you, and you will make embarrassing
sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, and the
souls of all your friends and the souls of all shareholders in
The CEO thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's
An HMO accounts clerk had a cabin in the West Virginia
mountains and liked to go there for his frequent vacation times.
Each summer, he would invite a different friend spend a week or
two up at his cabin. One particular summer, he invited a
Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend agreed.
Early one morning, the clerk and his Czechoslovakian
companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast.
As they went around the berry patch, gathering buckets of
delicious red raspberries, along came two huge Bears--a male and
The HMO accounts clerk, seeing the two bears, immediately
dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't as fast, and the
male bear grabbed him and swallowed him whole.
The clerk ran back to his car, tore into town as fast has he
could, and got the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his
shotgun and they dashed back to the berry patch. Sure enough,
the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the
clerk, pointing to the male bear.
The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye,
leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE BEAR!
"What do you think you're doing??" exclaimed the clerk, "I
said he was in the other bear!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe an HMO
accounts clerk who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"
Psychiatry, Past Present (And Future?)
by Gerald Klee, MD Towson, MD
Many years ago,
When I became a psychiatrist
We were interested in how the mind works.
It is said that
As our interest
In the BRAIN increased,
We gradually lost our MIND.
When financing got bad,
We lost our HEART.
When squeezed by HMOs,
We lost our SOUL
To save our SKIN.
If we don't use our BRAIN
To regain our MIND, HEART, and SOUL
We will have nothing to lose but our SHIRTS.
(Originally written in 1995)
Gerald Klee, MD
A politician, a lawyer, a doctor
and a health insurance executive died and went to hell. They all
stood before Satan, waiting to hear what punishments they would
receive for eternity. Satan addressed each of them in turn.
Fixing the politician in his gaze,
he said, "According to the records, you have been guilty of
lying, raising taxes, squandering public money and taking
bribes. To the lawyer Satan said, "You are guilty of putting
your own interests before those of your clients and the law, and
billing for twice as many hours as you actually worked." To the
doctor he said, "You are guilty of devoting more attention to
your golf game than to your patients and of practicing an
inferior quality of medicine." Last came the health insurance
executive. Satan pierced him with his look and said, "You are
guilty of raking huge profits from the sale of health insurance,
while advertising that subscribers would have access to the best
care, and a free choice of doctors. When subscribers needed
medical care, they learned that their only choice was between
terrible care and no care."
Satan passed sentence on the
politician, the lawyer and the doctor as a group. He announced
to them, "Each of you is a disgrace to your profession. For such
as you, there is a special place in Hell. You will be placed
with others of your kind. There, the politician will enact the
laws, and the lawyer will uphold them. The doctor will attend to
your medical needs. You will all perform your functions just as
you did on earth.
It was now the turn of the health
insurance executive. Satan told him, "You are typical of your
profession. We have no special place for you in Hell. You are
entitled only the least expensive treatment we have. But you do
have a choice. You may choose between being broiled or fried."
(Initially written in 1994)
Q. Why do hospital CEOs
carry their certification on their dashboard?
A. So they can park in the handicapped parking; it's proof of a
If a retrospective claims
reviewer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only
save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
A woman who was diagnosed as being
terminally ill was told she needed a brain transplant using a
1-1/2 pound brain. The surgeon informed her that three types of
brain were available: Movie star, surgeon and managed care
reviewer. He told her that a 1-1/2 pound brain of a surgeon
would cost $500 and the 1-1/2 pound brain of a movie star $600.
"That's a lot of money and I know
that my plan will not cover it. I'll take the managed care
"That's fine", he said, "but that
will cost you $10,000."
"What?" she replied incredulously.
"If a surgeon's brain only costs $500, why does a managed care
reviewer's cost $10,000?" "Do you have any idea how many managed
care reviewers' brains it takes to get 1-1/2 pounds of brain?"
the doctor replied.
[email protected] Joke from
AMSO Web Page
Joke Topic: Specialty descriptions
Psychiatrists know nothing and do
Internists know everything and do nothing.
Surgeons know nothing and do everything.
Pathologists know everything and do everything, but too late.
Carl and Adina Sherer, [email protected]
Joke Topic: Saving Lives From AMSO Web Page:
As a premed student at Washington
University in St. Louis, I had to take a difficult class in
physics. One day our professor was discussing a particularly
complicated concept. A student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do
we have to learn this stuff?"
"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how
does physics save lives?" he persisted.
"It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the
Q. Hear about the terrorist that
hijacked a 747 full of managed care reviewers?
A. He threatened to release one every hour if his demands
Q: What is the difference between
HMO's and Terrorists?
A: You can bargain with terrorists.
The Pope, an HMO CEO and a student nurse are flying on an
airplane. The captain comes back and says that he has some bad
news and some really bad news. The bad news is that the plane is
going to crash! As he puts on a parachute and jumps out he says
that the really bad news is that there are only 2 more
The HMO CEO says "I am the
smartest man in the world, and the world of Health Care would be
nothing with out me!" With that he puts on a parachute and jumps
The Pope says "Well, my child, I
would love to live, but I believe that my time is up. Please
take the other parachute and save yourself."
The student nurse says "Not to
worry sir. Right now the smartest man in the world is trying to
find the rip-cord on my back pack!"
preventative medicine: The cornerstone of HMO care:
A man walks into a Doctor's
office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear
and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks.
"You're not eating properly," replies the Doctor.
Submitted by Rev. Jon Burnham
The three medical specialists &
heaven From AMSO Web Page:
There were three medical
specialists standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter said to
the first, "And what have you done to be able to enter heaven?"
"I'm a breast surgeon." "Enter,
you've done a wonderful job."
To the second he said "And what
"I'm an oncologist" "Enter, you
really hung in there on earth." To the third he said "Yes, and
"I was a director of an HMO"
"Enter, but you'll have to leave after 3 days."
The chairman of a large charity
noted that the wealthy CEO of a major managed care company had
never given him a donation He called on the CEO in an attempt to
persuade him mend his ways. "Our research shows that you made a
profit of over $600,000 last year, and yet you have not given a
dime to the community charities! What do you have to say for
The CEO replied, "Did your
research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness,
and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?
Do you know about my brother, the disabled veteran, who is blind
and in a wheelchair? Do you know about my sister, whose husband
died in a traffic accident, leaving her penniless with three
Sheepishly, the charity solicitor
admitted that he had no knowledge of any of this.
"Well, since I don't give any money to them," he continued, "why
should I give any to you?"
Managed Care Game From AMSO Web
Parker Brothers (the folks who
brought us Monopoly), decided they wanted to develop a new board
game. Managed healthcare is a popular topic, so they decided
that the game would use "Managed Healthcare" as its theme.
In order to give the game
credibility, they hired five consultants (CEOs from the most
prestigious hospitals in the country). When the consultants
arrived at the headquarters of Parker, they were all locked in a
room and were advised that they would not be released until they
completed the conceptual design of a new Managed Healthcare
Three days elapsed before the
consultants signaled that they had completed their project. Top
management from Parkers immediately assembled with the
consultants, anxious to learn of their expert recommendation.
Parker Bros. Spokesperson: Is it a
Consultants' Spokesperson: Yes.
Parker Bros. Spokesperson: Does it
use dice and movable players?
Consultants' Spokesperson: Yes,
Parker Bros. Spokesperson: What
are the rules of the game?
Consultants' Spokesperson: The
first one to make a move ... loses!
A doctor was walking on the
beach and noticed an empty bottle. He kicked the bottle. A genie
suddenly came out of the bottle and said "Gee thanks!! I've been
locked in the bottle for five hundred years!! Just for that I'll
grant you three wishes. I have to warn you, however, that each
of the HMOs with which you have contracted will get double."
So the doctor thought about it. He
then stated "For my first wish I'd like a million dollars." The
genie said, "Okay. But remember, HMOs will get two million
dollars" And the doctor said "that's okay with me."
The doctor then said for his
second wish, he'd like a house overlooking the cliffs down to
the ocean. The genie said, "Okay. But remember, HMO executives
will be next door in a house twice as large and they like to
party 24 hours a day." The doctor said, "I think I can live with
So the genie said, "For your third
wish you'd better think long and hard." So the doctor, after
thinking it over, said, "Could you beat me half to death?"
A prominent doctor died and went
to hell. Satan was taking the physician on his tour of where he
would spend eternity. He explained to the doctor as they walked
down a long hallway filled with doors marked with numbers, "I
allow some new residents a chance to choose their own little
hell. These are the rooms you will get to pick from."
Just then, the Devil's pager went
off. "Darn, I have to answer that. Stay here, I'll be right
back." The doctor stood there for a moment, then decided he
could look around on his own.
He walked through door #1. Inside,
he was standing in the middle of a large metropolitan ER
bustling with activity. Patients were lined up along the halls
in stretchers moaning and shouting. Several ambulances were
pulling up, each carrying multiple traumas. The doctor thought,
"Man, this is the ER from hell. I'm not staying here..." and
walked back out the door.
He walked down the hall and
entered door #2. Inside, he was surrounded by geriatric patients
in wheelchairs and walkers. All of the patients were confused
and combative, and the smell of urine filled the air. The doctor
thought, "This is the nursing home from hell, I'm getting out of
here..." and walked back into the hall.
He walked into door #3. Inside, he
was standing at the nurses station of a hospital ward. As he
walked in, a nurse stood up and said, "Hello, Doctor, would you
like to sit in my chair? Could I get you some coffee? Do you
need me to page anyone?" The doctor smiled to himself and walked
out into the hall.
Soon, the Devil returned and said,
"OK, let's get on with your tour." The doctor said, "While you
were gone, I looked around and have decided to go to door #3."
The Devil smiled and clapped the doctor's back. "Sorry, doctor,"
he said, "that's one of the choices for nurses' hell...
Managed Care Cartoons
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Copyright © 2003 Northern County Psychiatric Associates
January 29, 2005