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Managed Care
Jokes Please send
us your jokes about the managed care industry. Ground
rules: Jokes must be "G" or "PG." No jokes
disparaging our patients. No jokes disparaging particular individuals.
Try to credit your source or indicate that the source is unknown. We
solicit jokes from patients, providers, and others. In the spirit of fun
and fairness, managed care executives and reviewers are urged to send in
jokes about themselves, their competition or fee-for-service physicians. Managed
Care Jokes of the Month Ask
Miss Managed Care Links to other sites with managed care humor
Managed Care Jokes You may reproduce these jokes as long as you reference the source and include the web address. Baltimore Star Marylanders Misjudge Care First
Execs. Care First/Blue Cross Blue Shield of Maryland is is petitioning the Insurance Commissioner and the State Legislature to allow it to sell itself to a profit-making venture in California. Recently the liberal, consumer-coddling Baltimore media reported that the top executives of Maryland Care First will pocket over 33 million dollars if the sale goes through. The citizens of Maryland reacted with outrage. "This is the usual way these stories get sensationalized," said Care First spokesperson, Sharon Dalute, "You don't actually think that our executives intend to keep these bonuses for their own personal use, now do you? Why would they do that? They certainly don't need the money. We already give them six and seven figure incomes. Actually each senior executive has elected to use his or her bonus to benefit the citizens of Maryland. "William Jews, our CEO, intends to use his bonus to help waive the high medication and medical equipment co-payments for Care First subscribers with diabetes and other chronic health conditions. Executive Vice-President Sharon Vecchioni intends to use her bonus to reimburse all of the individuals with AD/HD who were denied psychotherapy benefits when Care First mistakenly believed that medication was the only effective treatment for AD/HD. David Wolf, another executive vice president, had never spent much time with any real Care First patients. He did play golf with some doctors once, so he decided to use his 3.6 million dollar bonus to reimburse physicians for the extra time they and their staff took away from patient care while managing burgeoning Care First paperwork and tracking down slow payments. John Picciotto, the Care First General Counsel, plans to donate his bonus to help a few of the individuals who gave up seeking reimbursement due to the Byzantine complexity of our contracts. He is aware that his 2.8 million bonus will only help a small portion of these individuals, but he hopes that if he takes the "get out of town quick" bonus, he may be able to help a few more. The other executives have plans to donate their fund to equally needy and equally underinsured Maryland citizens." Politicians and regulators reacted quickly to these revelations. "I was right all along," declared Sen. Thomas Bromwell, "I hope that all those people who want to turn healthcare back to the non-profit ideas of the 1930s see how wrong they were." Insurance Commissioner Steve Larson wiped away a tear as he faced reporters, "All this time I thought that I was trying to educate the public and help the citizens take a critical look at these monumental changes. Now I see how wrong I've been. These guys are so caring. and so politically savvy, We should just listen to them and trust that they know what is best for us." __________________________ Two
Moons Over New Mexico Disability Determination Claimant: Job (no surname) The claimant appeared for an independent Medical Evaluation based on his assertion that he has a disability because he has become so depressed that he cannot continue in his usual occupation as a farmer. Mr. Job notes that on the morning of September 26, 2507 B.C.E, he was feeling fatigued, and had been resting from working in his fields, when a cloud of locusts appeared and began devouring his crops. He ran to the house to get help in flailing away the insects. However on his way to the house, he discovered his cattle all lying on the ground dead. He arrived at his house, only to find it in flames. His wife and seven children were all inside, burned up. Mr. Job states that he then fell to his knees and prayed to God, only to discover that his entire body was covered with boils. Since then, his neighbors have shunned him. It is Mr. Job's claim that he has been so upset by these events that after vainly trying to chase the locusts away, he simply let them eat his crops. He said that he has not been able to return to work since that time. Assessment: It is clear from his account that the claimant has a history of feeling fatigued in connection with farming work. He admitted that the work-related fatigue began prior to his applying for the disability insurance. It seems quite evident that his so-called depression is an offshoot of this...a psychologically motivated effort to avoid gainful employment. He did show signs of open sores, but these are likely to be self-induced. In my opinion, Mr. Job has a form of Munchhausen Syndrome where he is driven to excoriate his skin, fueled by a covert psychotic disorder. I infer the psychosis from his mutterings about God and the Devil being behind his problems. In conclusion, I see no basis for compensating this man for an obviously pre-existing condition.
Lou Siffer, M.D. Tweezer Pharmaceutical Company MemoTo:
All Pharmaceutical Sales Representatives It has come to my attention that pens and other promotional trinkets that we have been leaving for physicians’ office staff are no longer having the desired effect. This is a serious problem, since our ability to penetrate the market depends on advertising. The last thing that we, as a drug company, want to see is the spread of Silly-Pen-Resistant Staff! Our Research and Development Departments are working feverishly on this serious advertising problem. We can't allow America's physicians to develop Sell-Mediated Immunity! News Flash October 2001: All physicians contracted to Kaiser Healthcare have gone out on strike. Kaiser officials say that they will have a statement for the press as soon as they can get a pharmacist out there to read the physicians' picket signs. If you work for an HMO, you know their stock is going down the tubes when... Score to your answer to the following statements:
Scoring: 24 -- a maximum score. Is your resume sent out yet? 16-23 --About right for the usual Medicare HMO. Some companies like to live on the edge. 8-15 -- Not too bad, but don't get sick. Your company must be gouging the providers to be doing this well. 0-7 - Are you sure that you work for an HMO? -------------------------------- Free CME Presentation!* Differential Diagnosis in Psychiatry: How to Distinguish Paranoid Schizophrenia from Cell Phone Use
*Funded by generous grants from Pfizer Pharmaceuticals and Verizon Wireless. Carol Watkins, M.D. Eleven ways to get rid
of drug reps--Updated for 2001
Copyright 2001 Carol Watkins, MD Reviewing Managed Care Treatment Plans in a Timely Manner: A Technical Guide for Blue Cross Employees
Scientific Update:
Psychotherapy Found to be Useless for AD/HD Medical research
authority Care First-Blue Cross Blue Shield of Maryland has released data
that finally lays to rest the debate on AD/HD and psychotherapy. Dr. No,
medical director of Care First, revealed that psychotherapy is no longer
medically necessary for children or adults with AD/HD. Dr. No spoke at a
press conference, “We are aware that there is a large body of literature
purporting to show that multimodal treatment helps people with AD/HD. Well we looked at
some of that so-called “research” out there and rejected it. First
there’s that Russell Barkely character. He isn’t a real doctor so
we’re not going to bother reading his stuff. And don’t get me started about
Peter Jensen. Where did that guy learn to write? I would just love to have a
word with his high school English teacher. He goes on and on with his big
words and boring,
repetitive jargon about “methodology” and “subject selection.” He also needs more imaginative
titles for his papers. MTA indeed! Sounds like a bus route. Since there
obviously isn’t any real literature out there on AD/HD and therapy, we did
our own study. We recruited 15 of our case review managers. All met our
AD/HD criteria: they were lazy, stupid or crazy. In the pretreatment phase,
they averaged 6 mistakes per insurance review form. We then subjected each
of them to 3 sessions of mandatory “Beratement Therapy” with trained
supervisory therapists. Post-treatment studies showed that they only made an
average of 2 mistakes per form. The increased speed of claims processing was
considered proof that therapy is a bad thing for these people--or at least
for us.” Individuals with
AD/HD had mixed reactions to the new research developments. Families, tired of
spending long hours in therapists’ offices cheered the new developments.
Said Linda Monkton, mother of a child with AD/HD, “I thought that these
family sessions were helping us modify our daughter’s impulsive behavior,
but maybe it really was just the pills all along. I’m so excited!
I plan to stop our family therapy sessions, and as soon as I get
home, I’m going to double my daughter’s medication dose." Other subscribers were not so pleased. “The insurance company told me that they would only cover my therapy if there were another co-existing mental disorder, said Marsha Maple, a 26 year old graphic designer, “As I left my psychiatrist’s office last week, he announced that now I also have Bipolar Disorder! Can you imagine how awful it is? With my therapy I was finally beginning to cope with my AD/HD. But now for the past week, I’ve been having these awful mood swings. My doctor says that my insurance company is causing my symptoms. And it gets worse. He thinks that I may develop a third diagnosis next week, depending on the appeals process. I can only hope it’s Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Maybe then I can clean up this messy house.” Seriously though, we need to let the Blues know that this is a ridiculous assertion. Subscribers of Care First BC/BS of Maryland may want to call the Maryland insurance commissioner's office. At long last it's here...On Beyond Ritalin
The
Blue Crab Bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around
that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon
until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone
who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many
people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody
could do it. One
day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a
pin stripe suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the
bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a
lemon, and squeezed away. Then
he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the
crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around
the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the
bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for
a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" “Well,”
said the little man, “I set fee schedules for an HMO.” Magellan Behavioral Health Announces
Strategic Partnership with Microsoft Magellan
Behavioral Health has consistently led the way in improving the lives of
psychiatrists and their patients through innovative strategies.
Like Microsoft, Magellan has used technology to make life easier for
physicians and reduce their administrative workload. Today Magellan has
announced that it will join with Microsoft in order to use the software
giant’s efficient methods on interfacing with the individuals using their
services. Dr.
Harry Herbert, CEO, President, Chief Stockholder, and President for Life,
stood next to his counterpart, Bill Gates of Microsoft when they made the
historic announcement. “We are already using many of these techniques,
said Herbert, but a partnership with Microsoft will help us refine our
techniques. We are also hoping to benefit from their experience in
subverting anti-monopoly laws. “Harry
and the rest of the Magellan executives are already doing a great job
applying many of our techniques, said Gates, “This partnership should work
out well for both of us. Microsoft and Magellan plan to develop increased
usage of our Medical Database ® Lawyers, marketing companies, and the
patients themselves will, for a modest fee, be able to access their own
medical records and those of their colleagues and neighbors.” Developments
at Magellan include the following:
A Historic Breakthrough
in Nature and Science! Millions of Americans
are overweight. Obesity is one of the most dangerous—not to mention
unattractive—medical crises facing our nation. I am sure that you have tried
all the latest pills, diets and massage treatments. There is always the option
of regular exercise and a moderate diet—but get real—who has time for that? Now you don’t have to
restrict your favorite foods. You don’t even have to exercise. Go ahead; eat
that second piece of cheesecake! With our plan, you can still attain any weight
you choose!! Giardella ® is
guaranteed to help you loose 5, 10, 20 pounds—you decide! Best of all, it’s
from nature, so you know it’s safe. Unlike artificial, sterile pharmaceutical
factories, nature is in perfect balance. All living things from nature are
beneficial for your health. Here’s how it works.
We collect crystal clear water from the Gunpowder River. We wish you could see
the source. Overhead, tall sycamore trees sway in the breeze. Just upstream, a
family of industrious beavers has built a series of impressive dams. The
industry of the beavers imparts a special essence to the waters. This enteric
essence cleanses your system in a profound way that you have never experienced. A day or two after you
drink our healing water, you will begin to notice your body cleansing itself.
The weight just flows away. Once you have lost as much weight as you want, it is
easy to stop. Just page your family doctor—he or she should be available day
or night—and ask him to call in a prescription for Flagyl ® After one or two
doses, the cleansing process slows down, and your weight will stabilize.
That’s all there is to it! Keep a few extra vials
of our crystal clear elixir on hand if those troublesome pounds start to come
back. It works over and over. Note for non-physicians
and for physicians who have not kept up with their CME (we
know who you are) This one isn't about medicine or managed care, but I couldn't resist.... BREAKING NEWS: GOD OVERRULES
SUPREME COURT VERDICT "I'm not sure where the
Supreme Court gets off," God said this morning on a rare Today
Show appearance, "but I'm sure as hell not going to lie back and let
Bush get away with this." Dick Cheney will reportedly receive leprosy. Original source of joke unknown: If it is yours, please let us know so that we can assign proper credit. An attorney for an injured patient was cross-examining the chief surgeon during a malpratice trial - it went like this: Q.
Doctor, did you examine my client the day of his surgery? Q.
Doctor, since you did not personally examine the patient that day, who
provided you with this description? Q.
A trainee examined the patient and you operated based on his description.
. Do you trust your residents? Q.
With your life? Let me ask you this then doctor - do you have a
locker room in the surgical area - a room where you scrub your hands and
change your clothes in preparation for surgery? Q.
And do you have a locker in that room? Q.
And do you have a lock on your locker? A. You see sir, we share that locker room with the administrative suite, and sometimes lawyers and administrators have been known to walk through the room. ___________________ IN THE
BEGINNING In the beginning
God created the heavens and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and
void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And Satan said, "It
doesn't get any better than this." And God said,
"Let there be light," and there was light. And God said,
"Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the
fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good. And Satan said,
"There goes the neighborhood." And God said,
"Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have
dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over
the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that
creepeth upon the Earth." And so God
created Man in his own image; male and female he created them. And God
looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit. And Satan said,
"I know how I can get back in this game." And God populated
the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow
vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy
lives. And Satan created
McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger.
And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said,
"Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds. And God created
the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so
fair. And Satan brought
forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds. And God said,
"Try my crispy fresh salad." And Satan brought
forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds. And God said,
"I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which
to cook them." And Satan brought
forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained
10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof. And God brought
forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And Satan brought
forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change
channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds. And God said,
"You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the
potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled
off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and
deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man clutched
his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And
Satan saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac
arrest. And God sighed
and created quadruple bypass surgery. And Satan created
HMO's........... Submitted by
David M. Elwonger MD. ___________________ A large Baltimore hospital planned to buy up a number of medical practices. As their existing legal staff was already quite busy dealing with lawsuits, the hospital decided to hire a new lawyer to handle the contracts with the medical practices. The top hospital administrator decided to interview some young lawyers. "I am sure that you are aware that our hospital has acquired a considerable reputation regarding the integrity of its dealings with our physicians." the administrator began with one of the first applicants, "We require that special person whose integrity matches that of our venerable institution. " He leaned close to the young lawyer, "Mr. Harper, are you an honest lawyer?" "Honest?" replied the young applicant, "My life is the definition of the word honesty. Why, I'm so honest that my parents lent me thirty thousand dollars for law school, and I paid back every last cent the minute I tried my very first case." "I'm impressed. What sort of case was it?" The lawyer looked down at his shoes and admitted, "They sued me for the money."The administrator smiled and said, "You'll fit right in here--You're hired." A managed care executive, who had become quite wealthy, was trying to join an exclusive country club. In this particular club, it was important to have civic-minded family connections. The executive's father had been hanged for cattle rustling. Of course, he did not want to reveal this bit of family history. When asked about his father's early demise, he told the country club membership committee: "My father died while taking part in a public ceremony when the platform gave way."
Three professionals were out hunting on the Chesapeake Bay, when their duck blind collapsed. All three became entangled in submerged crab pots and drowned. They arrived at the River Styx, the gateway to the Underworld. The raft attendant said to the first man, a surgeon, "Let's see, you're Dr. Douglas, orthopedic surgeon. Look at this list. Overcharging patients, running around on your wife, Yes, we've been expecting you. Please follow me." The attendant ferried him across the river to a doorway. "This is where you'll be staying Dr. Douglas," said the ferryman as he opened the door. Inside was a dark, dank, musty room. Water was dripping from rocky walls where torture equipment hung. A growling pit bull was chained to the center of the floor. Dr. Douglas stepped in, and a loud voice cried out from above, "Dr. Douglas! You have sinned!" The ferryman poled his raft back to
the other side and pointed to Mr. Jordan, an emergency room nurse. The
ferryman glanced at his list, "Let's see....making wise cracks in
front of injured patients, insulting the medical staff, flirting with
student nurses. Yes, you've been on our list for quite a while. Mr.
Jordan, please accompany me across the river." Once across the Styx,
he led the nurse to another doorway. Just like the other room, it was dark
and dank, water dripping down the walls with horrible torture equipment
hung everywhere, and a snarling pit bull chained to the center of the
floor.
Lilly of the Valley
Pharmaceutical Corporation Dear Physician: Thank you for the courtesy extended to our pharmaceutical sales representative last week. We are enclosing your requested free sample boxes of Prozac, along with the usual boxes of caviar and lobster tails. Please mail in the following form so that we may send you a $200 "consulting" fee. Reason for seeing our
pharmaceutical representative in your office: What is the most important factor
that influences your choice of a first line antidepressant? How can our pharmaceutical
representatives improve their services to you in the future? Carol E. Watkins, M.D. ________________________________ Three men sitting on the same row in an airplane found that they were all heading to an orthopedics conference. A managed care executive had the window seat. In the middle was a malpractice lawyer. An orthopedic surgeon the aisle seat. The orthopedist, tired from doing on-call surgery all night, took off his shoes and leaned back to relax. Just then, the managed care exec decided to get up to get a drink. "No, don't. Let me get it for you. It's easier to get up from the aisle seat", said the orthopedist. While he was gone, the managed care executive spit in the doctor's right shoe. Just as the orthopedist had settled down to relax again, the lawyer said, "My, that drink looks good. I think I'll go get one myself." "Please don't, you might fall and injure yourself. Let me get it for you." said the orthopedist. While he was gone, the lawyer spit in the orthopedist's left shoe. When the plane landed, the
orthopedist put on his shoes and realized what had happened. He looked at
them in disgust, "How long must this go on?" he asked.
"This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?" RETROSPECTIVE REVIEW LETTER FROM THE
TOOTH FAIRY Thank you for your request, and we look
forward to serving you in the future. "The Tooth Fairy" The Tooth Fairy Managed Health Care Company, Inc.
Note: The original source of this joke is unknown. If it is yours, please let us know so we can assign proper credit. One summer in a rural church, the pews were packed. As the minister began his sermon, the air conditioner quit. The room became hotter and hotter. Suddenly, lightning flashed and there next to the pulpit, stood Satan! Yes, there he was, horns, tail, hooves and the scent of brimstone. The minister and parishioners screamed and took to their heels. Satan laughed and cackled as he watched them tumble over each other in their efforts to get away as fast as they could. When the pandemonium ceased, Satan saw, to his surprise, that there remained one lone man, sitting in one of the back pews. Satan glared down at him, "Do you know who I am?" Satan shouted. "Oh yes," said the man. "Do you realize that I am the embodiment of evil, the destroyer of all that is good, the author of pestilence the source of all chaos? Satan thundered, "I am the pinnacle of all the demons and trolls of hell !!!" "I know," said the man. "Then why are you still sitting here?? Satan demanded. "I have been appealing my HMO's
denial of services for my wife's heart surgery. I figured that it would get to
your review level sooner or later." Q: I received from Trigon (Managed Health Care) a paper with the title "Practice Profile." It asks me to mark my areas of "Clinical Specialization." It says that I can only designate "three areas of specialization" from their list. Why are they limiting me to just three? A: Trigon was named so, Apparently because they are infatuated with the concept of 3, which has its roots in ancient history. I think it has something to do with their mission statement as well, which is why so many MCOs authorize three or less sessions at a time, as well as why MCOs often set a maximum of 30 visits annually. It is why MCOs feel that you must make at least three phone calls for each authorization and spend three hours per month on hold per enrolled patient. It is why 3 out of 10 claims are rejected and why you must wait on average three months for payment of 1/3 of your claims and up to 3 cubed (=27) months for the remainder. It is why it may take MCOs at least three years to drop your name from their promotional materials after you quit (unless you have been in the news for some dastardly deed, for which it takes them just three seconds to disaffiliate from your kind.) And the number one reason is that upper level MCO executives are limited at best to sharing the propensities of a 3 year old and the business scruples of at least 3 centuries ago (recall the Spanish conquest of New Spain.) I believe that despite Trigon's demand
that you choose only 3 items, one of their 3 secret desires is that you choose
at least 27 of them, for a more perfect 3 (it being cubed.) We reserve for
another time discussion of their other two secret desires, which have to do with
money and hegemony. Charles E. McDermott, M.D. Question: Why wouldn't the managed care
reviewer take his pet cat to the beach? ------------ A rabbit and a snake were both injured in a California earthquake. The impact caused both to become blind and to lose their memories. In an attempt to find out who they each were, they decided to feel each other. First, the snake felt the rabbit. "Well, you are fuzzy and warm. You have a round cottony tail and two long ears." "Hooray!" exclaimed the rabbit, "I must be a bunny." Next the blind rabbit felt the snake. He was thoughtful for a moment. "Let's see--you are long, cold and slimy and you have a little forked tongue." The snake wailed, "Oh no! I must be a hospital administrator." The Baltimore Sun We are aware that nurses are working to
get certified as primary care medical providers. Lawyers have had many more
years of training than nurses. (Source of original version unknown: If it is yours, let us know so we may give proper credit.) Why Did The Chicken Cross the Road? No one seems to know why the chicken
crossed the road, so I looked up my
old friend Chicken Little, who was glad to answer the question. By Gerald D. Klee, M.D. Previously published in Harvard
Medical Alumni Bulletin and The
Maryland Psychiatrist --------------The Misunderstood Life of “The Big
Bad Wolf”
“Hello,
good sir, er, wolf,” smiled the psychiatrist nervously, “Won’t you sit
down and discuss what is bothering you. Oh, by the way, what is your name
first?” “Wolfgang
J. Woolf, to be exact. Not that anyone actually calls me that except my mother,
though sometimes I wish they did. Instead I am called ‘arooo—yip—grrrrr,’
meaning in wolfish, ‘a young and annoying idiot’ in a rather condescending
way. My only friend, Autumnus R. Luppus, is invisible. He calls me Wolfie, which
I don’t mind that much after the awful nicknames the other cubs come up
with.” “Mmmmm
hmmm. Well then, do begin your story, and explain to me why you are here,” the
psychiatrist replied. I
began, “Do not reprimand me for beginning my story the traditional way, sir.
It is just that any storybook character must begin that way. You know that, do
you not?” “Of
course, of course. All of the three pigs do, when they had to get trauma therapy
after they met you on that dreadful occasion, “ he smiled. I
started, “Well first there were the three pigs, then the incident with Peter,
you know, Peter and the Wolf, and then, oh forgive me, but there are so many!
But recently there has been another incident. Let me begin…” Once
upon a time, there was a little cozy cottage in the woods. I do believe it has
since been torn down to build a large set of condominiums and apartments.
However, at the time, it was very nice. Within it lived an innocent little girl
(I do believe now she is a not-so-innocent corporate lawyer who sues many people
per day.) and her mother (who was sued by her daughter for complete negligence
of the events to come in my story.) These two were very happy at the time, and
one day the mother, Ma Hoode was obliged to visit her lunatic mother with some
presents. Since Ma Hoode was not too fond of her mother, she made her daughter,
Red Riding Hoode go. Red set off immediately, wasting no time, as she wanted to
get the visit over with as soon as possible. In
Red’s path was a large forest that also happened to be the site of my
family’s den, not that I am allowed to visit. You see, my parents tried to
teach me to hunt, but to no avail, for I felt too sorry for my prey. Eventually
I just gave up and became a vegetarian. This caused several problems for me. My
pack deserted me, for I could never become a great hunter like them, being a
vegetarian. And when I tried to make friends with the smaller animals that were
also herbivores, they believed that I was still after them for dinner, so they
ran away from me.
I was virtually friendless! But anyway, back to Red’s journey. Well
anyway, she was walking along, spooked by the dark forest. She carefully made
her way, jumping at every small noise. But this went on for a while, and I tired
of watching her, so I paid a visit to her crazy grandmother. I
hid behind a large gooseberry bush, planted next to several pink flamingos and
lawn gnomes. Not only was this old woman crazy, she also was tacky and color
blind, apparently. The grandmother’s head popped out of a window, and she
began gazing lovingly at her lawn gnomes. I decided to leave, but as I tried to
leave, my fur got tangled in the thorns of the bush and a loud rustle was
audible. The old woman ran out her door and looked around. She saw me, but
luckily did not scream. Instead, she walked right up to me and hugged me,
saying, “Oh my! My long lost love! My sweet dearie! Oh John! You’ve finally
returned, and look! You’ve grown more hair! The last time I saw you, you were
bald. Oh dearie, how you’ve grown! My little husband!”
I tried to run, but her arms encircled me in a tight grasp. When I
struggled, she only held tighter. This seemingly frail old woman lifted me up
and carried me into her house. She
took one of her nightgowns and forced me into it grinning, “Oh John, I saved
one of your suits for your return. And look! It fits you perfectly!” I
grimaced. All of a sudden, Red could be seen making her way down the path to
Grandma’s. She knocked on the door. Grandma pushed me into her bed and ran to
hide in the closet, locking the closet door. Red pushed the door open, and
seeing me in her grandmother’s bed, she rejoiced, “Oh good wolf! You’ve
finally eaten my crazy grandmother! Wait! You’re a wolf! Aaaaa! Not a wolf!”
Then she ran out of the house. I
was glad the girl had left; I didn’t like her much at all. A few minutes
later, she could be seen again…with a woodcutter! He had an ax, and I know
what they like to do. Kill wolves! He bashed through the door shouting, “Where
is he? Where is he? Can I kill him? Please? Please? Huh, Huh? Can I kill him?”
I did not like the look of the situation. I bolted from the window, running for
my life. The wood cutter never even saw me. Then Grandma came out of the closet.
Red exclaimed, “There he is, kill him!!!”
The woodcutter chopped Grandma into little cubes in minutes, not
realizing it was Grandma. To
this day, I still think that Red knew all along that it wasn’t me. But after
the woodcutter killed Grandma Hoode, such a gratuitously violent man was he, he
killed himself! Later when Red told the police, she twisted the story around so
that it sounded like it was all my fault, and now I am going to jail for the
millionth innocent crime I have committed. “Doctor,
help me!” The psychiatrist scribbled a few words onto a pad of paper on the
table. I could just make out that they said, “chronic mental disorder: lying.
Physician suggests that the patient should be hospitalized in a secure mental
institution or a prison-hospital under close supervision. The patient is a
menace to society, and should be kept away from the community.” Then he said,
“Hmmmm. Interesting story you have there, son. I can’t help you, though. You
must face the crimes you commit instead of lying about them to get out of
trouble. How could I believe an unrealistic story like that?” Then he dialed
the police station, All that I could hear was that I would be “thrown behind
bars” and that the psychiatrist would be “greatly rewarded for his
troubles.’” I ended up spending the rest of my life in jail, thanks to the fact that Red Riding Hoode became a corporate lawyer herself with no sense of ethics or morals. I am writing this on the wall of my high-security prison cell with the hopes that someday somebody will read this and realize that I was completely innocent. I did nothing wrong, and do not deserve this cruel and unusual punishment. How could I deserve this if it was just my luck to be stuck in the wrong place at the wrong time? I must end my writing now because the guard has begun to watch me again, and he looks unhappy. Farewell, and remember my sad story the next time you see any house with lawn gnomes all over the grass, for you may be the next one to be imprisoned for life and called a chronic liar. Written by Nicole, age 12 Managed Care Hell A concurrent review
nurse had used up her allotted three days in heaven. Purgatory had such a
long waiting list that it was no longer taking new admissions. Her benefits
exhausted, she was referred directly to hell. When she arrived at the
gates of hell, her personal torment manager greeted her.
“Welcome to hell,”
said the demon, “I am here to orient you to our new, streamlined eternity of
perdition; we now emphasize efficiency and choice. To that end, we allow each
condemned soul their choice of several torture plans. Let me escort you to the
open enrollment area so you can make your choice.” The demon led the nurse
down a toasty-warm, brimstone-scented corridor with a line of doors on each
side. Managed care hell is down that side, gestured the demon with his clawed
hand, “Look inside and see which one appeals to you.” Just then, the
demon’s pager went off. “I’m
supposed to get off this #%*&!, shift in 15 minutes, this call better go to
the second shift torment manager!” Turning, he said, “I’ll be back in as
soon as I turf this call. Have a look around yourself.” With that, he
disappeared in a puff of sulfurous smoke. The concurrent review
nurse opened the first door. Inside she saw a huge noisy room with tiny cubicles
and the echoing sound of a thousand blaring speakerphones. Each reviewer sat in
a cramped chair in front of a desk covered with mountains of paperwork. One
white-coated demon toted a whip and lashed out at any reviewer who wasn’t
filling out papers fast enough. Another white-coated demon with a blowtorch
applied flames to the toes of any reviewer who made a mistake or misfiled a
paper. The nurse reviewer quickly closed the door. She opened the second
door. “Audit!” screamed a blinking neon-red sign. Wailing and moaning filled
the room full of cubicles. At one end of the room, frightened people frantically
fed papers into a thoroughly jammed shredder. At the other end of the room,
demons with law enforcement badges rifled through piles of paper and randomly
dragged off individual reviewers for special torture. Perspiring slightly, she
closed that door too. The reviewer then went
across the hall and opened another door. She found herself in the staff office
of a hospital ward. She watched as a concurrent reviewer marched into the room.
Immediately, the attending physician sprang from the most comfortable seat and
offered it to that reviewer. The resident physician stood up and offered to
fetch the reviewer coffee and doughnuts. The intern brought the reviewer paper,
pens and several charts, all carefully opened up to the right page. Just then the demon
returned. “Have you made your decision yet?” “I think so,” said
the reviewer with a little smile. She pointed to the third door. “Sorry nursey,”
smiled the demon, wagging his finger, “That one there is doctors’ hell.” ----------------------- They’re
starting to patent the receptor sites in my brain… ------------------------------
Upon
encountering a large spider in the clinic examination room. . . A doctor in a bar leans over to the guy
next to him and says, ''Wanna hear a managed care joke?'' ---------- Green Side Up --------- 20 great slogans for
our new managed care organization.....
____________________ A surgeon was on vacation in the depths
of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way,
but didn’t want to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the
''no haggle'' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the surgeon shouted, ''I’m
good with a knife, maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get
a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!'' The vendor said, ''By all means, be my
guest. Maybe you'll run into a couple of managed care physicians who were in
here earlier saying the same thing.'' So the surgeon headed into the bayou that
same day, and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the
water. He thought, ''those must be the two managed care physicians the guy in
town was talking about.'' Just then, the surgeon saw a huge gator swimming
rapidly underwater towards one of the managed care physicians. Just as the gator was about to attack,
one managed care doc grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death
with very little effort. Then both men dragged it on shore and flipped it on its
back. Lying nearby were several more of the creatures. One of them then exclaimed, ‘‘darn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!'' --------- --------- --------- A boy and his uncle were visiting the grave of the boy's grandmother. On the way back to the car, the boy looked at a gravestone and asked his uncle, "Do they sometimes bury two people in one grave?" "Of course not," his uncle replied, "Whatever made you think that?" "Over there--" the boy replied, pointing, "Look at that gravestone. It says, 'Here lies a hospital administrator and an honest man." -------------- Three physicians, a Russian, a Cuban and an American were all in the same train compartment heading for an international medical conference. The door opened and a managed care executive came in and sat down. The others politely ignored him and continued their animated conversation. The Russian took a large bottle of the finest Vodka from his briefcase. He poured a glass for each of them and declared, "My country produces the finest Vodka in the world! Nowhere else will you taste Vodka this good. Not only that, but we have so much of it that we can just throw it away." With that, he stood up and threw the rest of the bottle out of the window. The other companions were quite impressed. The Cuban, not to be outdone, pulled a large package of Havana Cigars out of his valise. He handed one to each man and said, "No country in the world produces cigars like we do in Cuba. The finest! Everywhere in my land they are so plentiful that we just open a pack and toss the rest away." He then threw the rest of the pack out the train window. Again, the others were very impressed. At that point, the American physician, without a word, got up from his seat and tossed the managed care executive out the window.
Two little girls were having an argument
about which of their daddies was better. "My daddy is better than yours. He
is a carpenter and builds houses."
Changing HMOs is like changing deck chairs on the Titanic.
A billing clerk for a managed care
company proudly told a friend that she had just finished a jigsaw puzzle,
"And it only took me five months." she beamed. MCO Unveils Innovative Approach to In-Network Provider Shortage
"We tossed the ball around at a recent corporation meeting and retrieved some great ideas. At this point, we are able to be much more scientific in assigning specific canine therapists to patients with specific complaints. We plan to assign Dobermans to patients requiring behavior therapy. Chihuahuas will make excellent Rational-Emotive therapists. We will assign Pit Bulls to those needing aversive therapy and also to those excess cost patients. The border collies, of course, will be in charge of group therapy. At first, we planned not to use Basset Hounds due to their passivity and virtually complete lack of responsiveness. Then someone said they reminded him of a psychoanalyst he knew years ago. So now, even though we think psychoanalysis is a waste of time, we will allow it if done by one of our new in-network providers. "Although we do not generally recognize the validity of Axis II diagnoses, we are studying the use of feline therapists for individuals with Narcissistic Personality Disorder," he added. "Dogs will certainly be added value employees in our corporation. They will work for long periods of time, seven days a week for cheap dog food and a few bones. In the past, we had to throw far too many bones to our human therapists. The best part of the whole deal is the contractual part. Due to recent tightening of the ethics codes in the medical profession, it has been more difficult to purchase psychiatrists outright. This is not a problem with dogs. Just think, we get to OWN their licenses. Said Dr. Magazine, "The program will start as soon as possible. We're straining at the leash. We should be quick to scoop up an opportunity when it presents itself in our own backyard." Eleven
ways to get rid of drug reps
Copyright 1998 Carol Watkins, MD Want More??? Really? You haven't even begun. We have lots more humor... MCMD: Adventures in Managed Care Cartoons from the web site of "Physicians Who Care" Insurance Companies in a Parallel Universe
Web Smilies: How to show facial expression on the Web Web Chat Acronyms: What those initials mean. Shakespearean Insult Generator This site is presented by Northern
County Psychiatric Associates Northern
County Psychiatric Associates
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