Grandchildren and ADHD

When Your Grandchild Has

Attention Deficit Disorder

Glenn Brynes, MD & Carol

E. Watkins, MD

Grandparents with family 

Grandparents have always had an important role in the life of a child or

adolescent. When the child’s parents work outside the home, a grandparent

may be the daytime caregiver. In some cases, when the parent is unable to

care for a child, the grandparent functions as a parent. Some grandparents

live far away from their grandchildren, and may only see them a few times

each year. In all of these situations, the grandparent has a special meaning

to the child and can influence the child’s self-esteem.

When

grandparents hear that a grandchild has been diagnosed with ADHD, they may

not know what to do or say. First, they should educate themselves about the

different types of ADHD. ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) is

sometimes also called attention deficit disorder or ADD. ADHD has three

basic features. These are:

  • Inattention

    (distractibility, daydreaming or “spacing out”)

  • Physical

    hyperactivity (fidgetiness, running about, often switching tasks)

  • Impulsivity

    (acting without thinking…later regretting it)

Children with

Inattentive ADHD have trouble paying attention but may not show the physical

hyperactivity or the impulsivity. This type is more common in girls but can

be seen in boys too. Combined ADHD involves inattention along with

hyperactivity and/or impulsivity. This is the classic “boy type” ADHD but

some girls can show this too. These children can be creative and charming,

but may require more of the parents’ time and effort than other children.

ADHD is not

just “bad behavior”. It is a physical problem that is often inherited.

Sometimes children “outgrow” or learn to manage the symptoms of ADHD as they

grow up. But in many if not most cases, the condition persists into their

adult life. When children are diagnosed with ADHD, it is not uncommon for

their parents to recognize that they too have (or had) similar problems.

Even grandparents might make similar discoveries. It helps to recognize this

since symptoms of ADHD are quite often treatable in adults.

Family support

is important during and after the time of the initial diagnosis. Parents may

feel defensive and inadequate. They may compare themselves unfavorably to

their own parents or in-laws. The nuclear family (parents and child) may

experience even small remarks as judgement and react by withdrawing.

Extended

family can be an important source of support, but can also be a source of

tension. Grandparents and others may base their opinions on inaccurate or

skewed material in the popular press. In previous generations, there was

more stigma associated with mental illness and behavior disorders. If

someone perceives ADHD as shameful, they don’t want to think that it could

appear in their family. If there were already conflicts in the extended

family, the ADHD child may serve as the focal point for these simmering

conflicts. Grandparents should not spank this child or tell the parents to

do so. One should take special care to avoid such punishment in ADHD

children because they can be impulsive. They might get the message that one

can use hitting or violence to resolve conflicts. Even if gentler methods

seem to take longer, they provide the child with a model of how to resolve

disagreements.

Sometimes, the

grandparent may see the signs of ADHD before the parents notice them. This

must be approached tactfully. The grandparent should not make a diagnosis on

his or her own. One might suggest discussion of the matter with the child’s

pediatrician or teacher (who might recommend evaluation by a trained

professional). It helps to reassure the parents that one is not making a

judgement on their parenting. In other cases, it may be prudent to wait and

let the parents figure it out themselves.

Childproofing

may become an issue when the hyperactive ADHD child visits grandparents.

Once one’s children have left home, people are less likely to have

childproofed houses. They may also display valuable or sentimental breakable

objects on open shelves. They may have moved into a smaller home that does

not have a place for children to run and play. This can present both the

parents and the grandparents with a dilemma. The parents may feel on edge

during the whole visit. They may feel the need to follow the child

everywhere to make sure that nothing is broken. They may feel defensive

about the child’s behavior even if the grandparent says nothing. The

grandparents may be puzzled or offended by the child’s impulsive behavior

and the parent’s anxiety. The child may feel like the proverbial bull in a

china shop.

Parents can

have a more relaxing visit if they do not have to constantly worry about

something being broken. There is some simple childproofing that can be done

in anticipation of the active child’s visit. Valuable and breakable things

can be temporarily moved, or the rooms with breakables can be closed or

gated off. If the grandparents have the space, a spare room can be set aside

for the children. It can contain old worn furniture, children’s books and

some durable safe toys. If one has a yard, one can spend most of the visit

outside. If these modifications are not possible, one can take the family to

a park or to a “ball room.” Talking while going on a walk can help the child

discharge enough of their energy that they may be able to carry on a

conversation. Television and videos will frequently hold the attention of

even a very hyperactive child. However, they will also cut down on

meaningful communication between the child and grandparents. Use videos as a

last resort. The child might teach the grandparent how to play an

interactive video or computer game.

When a child

is having behavioral problems, misunderstandings and defensiveness are

common. Often a frank, non-judgmental talk can help dispel

misunderstandings. Avoid comments such as “None of my children did that.”

“It would go away if you disciplined them more.”. In the past, many children

with ADHD went undiagnosed. Some of their parents instinctively came up with

their own structured behavior plans. The trick is to bring this up without

being perceived as intrusive or judgmental. One might say, “You know, your

husband was like that when he was a boy. He was a great kid, but sometimes

it was tough. I know things are different today, and you have to figure out

your own way to do things. If you ever want to know how we handled it, let

me know.”

Grandparents

can fill an important psychological role in the child’s development. The

children tend to perceive the grandparent’s acceptance as more

unconditional. In some cases, the grandparent can be a source of advice and

comfort for the parents. A child with ADHD may sometimes have more than the

average amount of conflict with his or her parents. The child may feel

different from his or her peers. In such situations, the grandparents may

provide a loving time of respite and understanding for the child. During

adolescence, the individual pulls away from parents but may still maintain

closeness to the grandparents during times of family conflict.

Ultimately the

most important for both parents and grandparents to do is to instill in the

child a positive self-esteem and an attitude of responsibility and mastery.

The entire family including the child should be encouraged to learn all they

can about ADHD. With appropriate help, children can learn how to manage

their own symptoms better. Even with a physical condition like ADHD, it is

the child’s responsibility to learn as best he or she can to “fit in” to the

world.


Read Our Collection of

Original Articles on Adult and Pediatric AD/HD

ADHD and Medication: the Basics  

When a

Grandchild Has ADHD

Adult Attention Deficit

Disorder: Diagnosis, Accommodation and Mastery

Helping

Your Child Succeed in School

Coping

Styles in ADD Adults

Practical Hints for Raising and Educating an ADHD Child

Neurobiological Diagnosis and Personal Responsibility: How Does Morality Fit

in with ADD?

How Computers Can Help

Individuals with ADD

Book Reviews: Attention

Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder

See our Collection of Reviewed Links to Other ADHD Web Sites

 


Read Our Collection of

Original Articles on Adult and Pediatric AD/HD

ADHD

and Medication: the Basics  

When

a Grandchild Has ADHD

Adult

Attention Deficit Disorder: Diagnosis, Accommodation and Mastery

Helping

Your Child Succeed in School

Coping

Styles in ADD Adults

Practical

Hints for Raising and Educating an ADHD Child

Neurobiological

Diagnosis and Personal Responsibility: How Does Morality Fit in with ADD?

How

Computers Can Help Individuals with ADD

Book

Reviews: Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder

See our Collection

of Reviewed Links to Other ADHD Web Sites

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Awards

For Our Site

 Northern County Psychiatric

Associates 

Our practice has experience in the treatment of Attention

Deficit disorder

(ADD or ADHD), Depression, Separation Anxiety Disorder, Obsessive-Compulsive

Disorder, and other

psychiatric conditions. We are located in Northern Baltimore County and serve the

Baltimore County, Carroll County and Harford County areas in Maryland. Since we are near

the Pennsylvania border, we also serve the York County area.   Our

services include psychotherapy, psychiatric evaluations, medication management, and

family therapy. We treat children, adults, and the elderly.

We also maintain a list of informative web sites on mental health

topics, such as Attention Deficit Disorder, Parenting and Support Groups. We have links of

interest to the general public and links of interest to primary care physicians and other professionals.


Awards for 

the NCPA site


Northern County Psychiatric Associates
Niacin Pills to Pass a Drug Test

Lutherville and Monkton

Baltimore County, Maryland

Phone: 410-329-2028

Web Site https://www.baltimorepsych.com

http://www.ncpamd.com 

Copyright 2000

Carol E. Watkins, M.D.

Glenn Brynes, Ph.D., M.D.